MtO: There seem to be two main categories
that those with an LDS background fall into. First, there are individuals who
are or were faithful, active participants, fulfilling their callings and other
LDS-specific duties (i.e. temple service, mission service); then there are
those who have an LDS background, but have never been particularly active, or
have been semi-active at best. Tell us about your LDS background and whether or
not you see yourself as falling into one of these two categories. Where did you
grow up? Were you and your family active in the LDS faith? How many generations
of your family have been LDS? Did you serve a mission? Did you marry in an LDS
temple?
I grew up in North Ogden, Utah. The LDS Church and our
faith was definitely the center of our life as a family. Growing up in the town
that my family helped settle, and playing regularly on the land that had been
farmed for several generations strongly impacted me. If I didn't know anything
else about myself growing up, I knew that I was a descendent from pioneers and that
meant something. The strong connection to my heritage as a Mormon was a central
guiding force in my life. I was
a fairly
quiet, skinny kid. I wasn't athletic, and didn't really shine academically
either despite the aptitude. I preferred daydreaming and tinkering to playing
with balls, cars, action figures, television, or video games. So, as a
daydreaming LDS kid, much of my life revolved around the ideas I was taught
about pre-mortal life, post-mortal life, and the nature of existence in
general. I didn't really have close friends, so God became someone I talked to
a lot.
As I got older I did find some great friends, went through
high school pretty normal for a kid who doesn’t exactly have a solid place in
high school. Then, like most LDS young men, I was conflicted about whether to
pursue my dreams right away or whether to serve as a missionary. I struggled
with many of the same things most young men struggle with that might make a
person feel unworthy of teaching others to repent. However, I had an experience
that really impacted me. The Spring before I needed to put my mission
application in. I walked out the front door of our home to sit on the porch,
and was hit squarely in the face with the overwhelming acknowledgement and
manifestation that absolutely everything I was seeing, everything I was, and
everything I had, was given to me and there because God was allowing me to be
and have what I had. It was the experience that led me to serve a mission for
the LDS church as a small effort to return a small portion of my life and being
to God—a sort of tithe of my life you might say.
I was assigned to the Mexico, Oaxaca mission. It was an
incredible opportunity to be able to be part of the inner lives of so many
wonderful people in that part of the world. It really gave me a lot of
perspective on life. I saw on a daily basis what is "necessary," and
what is luxury.
You asked
about marriage. I wanted to get married as soon as I could. My mission tempered
some of my pipe dreams a bit, and I wanted to come home, get married, and have
a family as soon as I could. However, it wasn't until I was 28 that I finally
found the girl I knew would be my wife. We met, had a short engagement and were
married in the Brigham City LDS temple. And, if I could put a finger on the
single most binding aspect of our relationship, it was that of common worship.
You can imagine what a crusher it was when I found I couldn't believe in some
of the things I had always taken as eternal truths in the LDS Church—and what a
blow it was, in turn, on her. She stuck by our marriage when I left the LDS
Church, but it nearly killed us
and is
still a lot of work—as any marriage is, I suppose.
Tell us about how you transitioned from
faithful member of the LDS Church to an Orthodox Christian.
Not long after my grandparents died, I started doing more
genealogy work to get to know my ancestors better. I always felt a closer bond
to my grandparents than I did to my parents, and doing genealogy work was my
way of filling in that lost bond to the past. I began wondering what their
experience of the LDS Church was like, and what it would have been like to
actually know Joseph Smith. It was a huge epiphany to me that I really didn't
know Joseph Smith at all, yet on a regular basis I claimed to know that he was
a prophet. The handful of stories I knew about him seemed like hardly enough to
continue to claim that I knew he was a prophet. So, I set out to get to know
him on a more personal level.
I bought Richard Bushman's Rough Stone Rolling, and didn't
make it very far before I realized that my vision of who he was didn't even
come close to reality. My research into the Book of Mormon didn't have to go
very far either. I simply couldn't be a believing, tithing paying LDS person. I
tried being a non-believing, attending Mormon for a while—attempting the
cafeteria Mormon thing. However, when we moved to a new place to establish
residency for graduate school, and I had to integrate into a new ward,
everything fell apart. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go to church every
week, look into the faces of everyone and try to convince them that I was one
of them. It was also becoming more difficult for me to continue believing in
any religious thought at all. I started reading Dawkins and Hitchens as well as
Boghossian. I became pretty militant in my efforts to "disabuse"
other believers of their delusions. But, there was this little part of me that,
although I could deny that Jesus Christ was divine internally, I just couldn't
do it vocally without feeling absolutely dead inside. And, there were parts of
my life that became very difficult to explain without something greater than
existence to account for it.
I had
been through a really bad break-up with another church, and didn't know how God
could be present in any other one. I was also very wary of the Roman Catholic
Church and Protestant churches because of the apostasy narrative I'd grown up
with and what I had seen in Latin America, so I just didn't have much hope that
I would be open to faith again. Given the experiences of my life, however,
there was a part of me that was just holding out for something to grasp onto to
give me hope enough to believe. I was an atheist because I felt I couldn't in good
conscience claim to believe in God.
That was when I entered into a friendly exchange with a
friend about some of the arguments for God that I had been led to believe were
hollow. I have always firmly believed that the point of discourse and debate is
to come closer to truth, not to simply come out on top of the argument. He
asked questions about faults he saw in my logic, and I answered sincerely. I
asked questions about faults I thought I saw in the arguments he posed, and he
answered sincerely; and in a short time, there was enough reason to hope that
my heart won out over my head, (or possibly my better educated head won out
over my wounded heart?), and I had to confess to myself that I was a believer
of some kind so I should act accordingly and commit myself to Christ.
More important in the reckoning of things was probably the
acknowledgement that if God were the being I had known most of my life as a
being of love, a relationship with Him would entail choosing Him. How could I
choose if I were forced to believe? I had to admit to myself that ultimately I
had to choose to believe. I had to choose to enter into a relationship with
God. (This is very difficult for us. We like to know the end from the beginning.
We like to know that our investment is safe. But, this is the way things are in
a trusting, loving relationship.) And, it was a leap I was willing to take
after several agonizing days of internal struggle.
At this point, this friend passed along some good books on
Orthodoxy and I visited a local parish. The first time I attended Divine
Liturgy, the worship spoke to me. The songs being sung had nothing to do with
anything besides the worship of God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; and petitions
for the benefit of all people. I cried as I stood in the presence of God's
Kingdom. There were so many things I didn't understand. But, I knew that the
choir singing and the smoke of the incense, and the physical worship of God was
right. I made an appointment to meet with the priest and began devouring as
many books as I could get my hands on about Orthodoxy. I found that the
theology spoke to my soul and matched with my experience of God. There were
quirks I didn't quite understand, but I was willing to withhold judgement in
favor of the theology and my desire to unite myself to Christ, the lover of my
soul.
Somehow it was all so complex, but as simple as the Cross
itself. It made all the sense in the world, but at the very same time was
beyond understanding and crazy.
Interesting
enough, my introduction to Orthodoxy was around the beginning of Lent, and I
was baptized a few weeks after Pascha. Somehow the spirit of Great & Holy
Lent reached out to me although I still was not baptized and pulled me into the
embrace of our loving mother, the hospital of my soul, The Church, and Christ's
love.
I am sure that the difficulties you
experienced during this transition period resonate with many of us who have
converted from the LDS faith to Orthodoxy. That said, each of us are drawn to
the faith for unique reasons. What are the main factors that drew you to Orthodox
Christianity?
I am a physical/tactile person, so the physical form of
worship is good for me. My soul and body are found in the same place and
created by the same God. I like that they get to worship as one person. The
balance of mysticism and philosophy in the Orthodox tradition appeals to me as well.
The coward in me likes to keep my feet on the solid ground of good philosophic
rigor, while the poet in me likes to simply BE with God and let Him teach me in
ways that are beyond speaking. The ascetic nature of Orthodox life is good for
me. I need the constant opportunities for self-deprivation and struggle, and I
like the way that the Orthodox tradition gives me plenty of room for this.
I also find a lot of value in the variety of perspectives
and practices within Orthodoxy. Despite being on the outside very rigid in its
hold to tradition, it is surprisingly extremely flexible, and fosters the life
of Christ in every way. Be strict with yourself, but charitable and forgiving
with everyone else. There is a lot of openness for a variety of views on
theological and practical matters. This is good. The runners are allowed to
run, while those who can only walk are just as acceptable in their walking.
Did you ever consider any of the other
apostolic faiths (Roman/ Eastern Catholicism, Oriental Orthodoxy)? If so, why
did you ultimately choose Eastern Orthodox Christianity?
I really had no need to look further once entering an
Orthodox church and experiencing the worship there. I was open to possibly
being disappointed by it and needing to visit other churches. But, I really
didn't need to go very far to know that I was where I needed to be.
What are the main differences or changes you
have seen in your life since becoming an Orthodox Christian?
My wife might disagree, ha ha, but I feel that I'm a more
patient, loving person than I used to be. Orthodoxy has entirely changed the
way I relate to the world around me. Although I still struggle, I am more
willing to accept each person with his/her weaknesses struggling in the same
fallen world. Glory to God for any good change that has happened to me; it's
not my grace that has worked any change in my heart, but His.
Do you have a favorite saint? If so, why is
she/ he your favorite?
My patron saint is St. Gregory Palamas. I really admire his
ability to know when to keep his mouth shut and when to open it. Although he
preferred a solitary, silent life, he was prepared to open his mouth and defend
the faith articulately. He was well-versed in philosophy, but was also a major
defender of the mystic traditions of the Church.
The other Saint whose life I frequently think about is St.
Nikolaos of Myra. Charity and love are everything—but don't toot your horn
about it. Do good because it is right, and let God see if He wants to.
What is one thing about the Orthodox Christian
faith, or your own personal conversion to Orthodoxy, that you would like LDS
people to know?
Orthodoxy may be very different from the type of worship
you are used to. It may seem strange to stand for nearly an hour and a half,
burn incense, kiss images of holy people, or make the sign of the cross over
oneself. But, withhold judgment long enough to listen, watch, and attempt to
understand, and He who gives understanding will open the eyes of the blind and
the ears of the deaf. And, even if you still disagree with many things, you
will come away understanding why we love the God who loved us first. This is
the cornerstone of all of existence—that God loved the world enough to bring it
into existence, and enough to save it when we screw it all up. And, we having
been created in His image, must also make love the cornerstone of our lives. If
“(I) have not love, I am nothing.” It is the motivation of our repentance, our
gratitude, and our life in Him who is Love.
